(Giving his best man speech at Watson's reception)
Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and Gentlemen. Family and Friends. And... uhhmmm... Others. Uhh... A A Also...
(Flashes to Molly talking to Lestrade)
Molly Hooper: Greg.
Lestrade: Molly.
Molly Hooper: I just had a thought.
Lestrade: (pointing to pan in Molly's hands) That's a brain.
Molly Hooper: What if John asks Sherlock to be his best man.
Lestrade: Well he will, won't he, he's bound to.
Molly Hooper: Exactly.
Lestrade: So?
Molly Hooper: So he'll have to make a speech in front of people. There will be actual people there actually listening.
Lestrade: Well, what's the worst that can happen?
Molly Hooper: Helen Louise probably wondered the same.
Lestrade: Helen Louise?
(looks down at brain in her hands)
(Flashes to Phone ringing)
Mrs. Hudson: Oh hello dear.
Molly Hooper: I was just thinking, if John does ask Sherlock.
Mrs. Hudson: What the speech dear? No, It'll be fine.
Molly Hooper: It's not just the speech though, is it?
(John walks in to hear Mrs Hudson laughing uncontrollably)
John Watson: Mrs Hudson...? You alright? I was coming to see Sherlock and I thought you were... possibly dying.
Mrs Hudson: (laughing uncontrollably) Oh sorry.
John Watson: What's wrong?
Mrs Hudson: (laughing uncontrollably) The telegrams.
John Watson: Sorry, what?
Mrs Hudson: (laughing uncontrollably) I'm sorry.
(Back to Reception)
John Watson: (to himself, shakes head, understanding) Telegrams...
Sherlock Holmes: Right. Um. First things first. telegrams. Well, they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams - I don't know why. Wedding tradition.
Sherlock Holmes: (mumbles) Because we don't have enough of that already apparently...
Sherlock Holmes: To Mr. and Mrs. Watson. So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford.
John Watson: Ah Mike.
Sherlock Holmes: To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day with love and many big ... big squishy cuddles. From Stether and Ted.
Sherlock Holmes: Mary. Lots of love ...
John Watson: Yeah...
Sherlock Holmes: Poppet. Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes. From Cam. Wish your family could have seen this.
Sherlock Holmes: (flipping through cards) and... Special day. Very special day. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Bit of a theme, you get the general gist of it. People are basically *fond*.
Sherlock Holmes: John Watson.
(points to John)
Sherlock Holmes: My friend, John Watson. John. When John first broached the subject of being Best Man, I was confused.
(Flashes to John at Baker Street)
John Watson: Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: What was that noise downstairs?
John Watson: That was Mrs Hudson, laughing.
(shown roasting a human eyeball with a torch)
Sherlock Holmes: Sounds like she was torturing an owl.
John Watson: Yeah, well it was laughter.
Sherlock Holmes: Could've been both.
John Watson: Busy?
Sherlock Holmes: Just occupying myself. Sometimes it's sooooo hard not smoking.
(drops eyeball into his cup of tea)
John Watson: Mind if I interrupt?
Sherlock Holmes: Be my guest.
Sherlock Holmes: Tea?
(holds up cup of tea that eyeball fell into)
John Watson: So, the big question.
Sherlock Holmes: mmhmm...
John Watson: The best man.
Sherlock Holmes: The best man...
John Watson: What do you think?
Sherlock Holmes: Billy Kincaid.
John Watson: Sorry, what?
Sherlock Holmes: Billy Kincaid, the Camden garroter. Best man I ever knew. Vast contributions to charity, never disclosed. Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure and ran the best and safest children's homes in North England. Yes, every now and then there would be some garrotings, but stacking up the lives saved against the garrotings, on balance I'd say ...
John Watson: For MY wedding. For me. I need a best man.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh right.
John Watson: Maybe not a garroter.
Sherlock Holmes: Gavin?
John Watson: Who?
Sherlock Holmes: Gavin Lestrade. He's a man and ... good at it?
John Watson: It's Greg. And he's not my best friend.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, Mike Stamford, I see. Eh, he's nice. I'm not sure how well he'd cope with...
John Watson: Mike's great, but HE'S not my best friend.
(Sherlock stands silent, confused)
John Watson: Look Sherlock, this is the biggest and most important day of my life.
Sherlock Holmes: (Sherlock makes a face) Well....
John Watson: No, it is. It is. And I want to be up there with the two people that I love and care about most in the world.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
John Watson: Mary Morstan.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
John Watson: And...You.
(Sherlock blinks rapidly, stands silently)
(Flash back to Reception)
Sherlock Holmes: I confess at first I didn't realize he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised.
(Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street. Sherlock dead silent, John waiting patiently.)
(Flash back to Reception)
Sherlock Holmes: I explained to him that I had never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it.
(Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street. Sherlock dead silent.)
John Watson: Sherlock...
(Flash back to Reception)
Sherlock Holmes: I nonetheless promised that I'd do my very best to accomplish a task which, for me, was as demanding and difficult as any I'd ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was ...
(John looks very confused)
Sherlock Holmes: ... in some ways very close to being moved by it.
(Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street. Sherlock dead silent, staring.)
John Watson: Yeah, it's getting a bit scary now.
(Flash back to Reception)
Sherlock Holmes: It later transpired that I'd said none of this out loud.
(Crowd laughs, Sherlock looks surprised by their laughing)
(Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street.)
Sherlock Holmes: So in fact... you mean...
John Watson: Yes...
(John nods)
Sherlock Holmes: I'm your...
(John nods)
Sherlock Holmes: Best...
(John nods)
John Watson/Sherlock Homes: (respectively, spoken together) Man / Friend.
John Watson: Yeah, of course you are. Course. You're my best friend.
(Sherlock takes a drink of the tea with the eyeball in it)
John Watson: How was that?
Sherlock Holmes: Surprisingly OK.
(eyeball pops up in tea, floating on top)
John Watson: So you'll have to make a speech of course.
(Flash back to Reception)
Sherlock Holmes (flipping through his note cards): Done that. Done that. Done that bit. Done that bit. Done that bit.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm afraid John, I can't congratulate you. All emotions and, in particular, love, stand opposed to the pure cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the death watch people, that is the doom of our society and, in time one feels certain, our entire species.
(crowd is silent and somewhat uncomfortable)
Sherlock Holmes: But anyway, let's talk about John.
John Watson: Please.
Sherlock Holmes: If I burden myself with a little help mate during my adventures it is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes in truth from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact I believe brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there I feel. And contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
Sherlock Holmes: The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, (He looks at the priest), unaware of the beautiful (He looks at the maid of honour) and uncomprehending in the face of the happy (He looks at Watson and Mary). So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man, (John nods) redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I am apparently you best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. (Beat) Actually, now I can. (To Mary) Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war and injury and tragic loss - so sorry again about that last one - so know this; today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
(The guests wipe tears from their eyes)
John Watson: (Whispers to Mary) If I try and hug him, stop me.
Mary Watson: (Whispers back) Certainly not.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah yes, now on to some funny stories about John.
[Sherlock notices that the guests are all crying]
Sherlock Holmes: What's wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John?
Mrs Hudson: (Crying) Oh, Sherlock!
Sherlock Holmes: (To John) Did I do it wrong?
John Watson: No, you didn't. Come here.
(They embrace. The guests applaud raucously)
Sherlock Holmes: (To John) I haven't finished yet.
John Watson: Yeah, I know. I know.
Sherlock Holmes: So on to some funny stories about John.
John Watson: Can you wait till I sit down?
(Sherlock Nods)
Sherlock Holmes: So on to some funny stories about John. You could all just cheer up a bit that would ... be better.
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